Help me! I think I’ve developed ‘blog brain’. I can hardly eat or sleep. All I think about is what I should write about next. I cannot turn off my thoughts. “What should I write about today, or tomorrow, or next week?” I often ask myself. “Will people enjoy what I have to say or be inspired, or worse…will they judge me? What if I offend someone, will a troll come after me?” Believe me, there’s a very good reason why I’ve chosen to remain anonymous. I’m a very sensitive person and don’t take criticism well. I find myself constantly checking the confounded website to see if anyone ‘liked’ what I had to say or ‘followed’ me and when nobody does, it truly makes me question why I’m doing a blog in the first place.
When someone does ‘like’ or ‘follow’ me, I feel like Sally Field when she shouted exuberantly, “YOU LIKE ME!!” during her acceptance speech after winning the Oscar for “Places in the Heart”. I mean, aside from WordPress, I don’t have any other real ‘presence’ in cyberspace. So when someone actually takes notice and appreciates what I have to say, it truly does mean a lot. Thank you for that! Quite a while back, I did have a Facebook account, but I usually felt worse after spending any time on it. AND the whole friending/unfriending thing drove me nuts. Are these people actually my ‘friends’? No, they’re not. Ok, maybe 1%. What do you do with the other 99% when you get tired of hearing them ranting on and on about their political, religious or other extreme views? Or how about the folks that love to tell you what they had for breakfast EACH & EVERY DAY, along with a photo of said breakfast? You ‘unfriend’ them, right? Not so fast! There are consequences, you see. Try sitting across from someone during Thanksgiving dinner after you’ve unfriended them. Awkward. Oh my goodness, I think I’ve gone off the rails again!
So I was talking about ‘blog brain’, this insidious thing that happens when you decide you want to share your views, stories, anecdotes, humor and such with the world. I thought it’d be a simple thing, but I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Once you finally figure out the website (which I’m still puzzled by because I’m not 20 and didn’t grow up with all of this technology), there are so many things to consider. How often should you ‘post’? Daily, 2-3 x per week, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly? Should I bring up controversial topics or just leave that up to somebody else? Should I go about this whole thing anonymously or not? Yes, yes I should. I have a brother that boasted this very month (via text) that he has sued several organizations and some have had to file bankruptcy after he sued their pants off. Look, I like my pants and I’d really rather not get on his bad side because apparently ‘having mine sued off’ is a good possibility if he comes after me. I digress.
Where was I again? Oh, yes! I was talking about this condition that I was never warned about before jumping in feet first, the ever-expanding ‘world of blogging’. It has literally turned my world upside down. The neurons are firing so rapidly that I feel like I’m losing my marbles. This is one of the conversations I have with myself on a regular basis, “Alright, Brain, that’s enough now, you’ve thought of enough topics to get you through next week. It’s ok to take a break. Seriously, stop thinking! It’s three in the flipping morning. But, wait! Hold on a sec. You might have a point. A month’s worth of topics would be far better than only a week’s worth. What should I talk about then? Fabrics that pill or fade prematurely, the difference between milk and dark chocolate, why butter is better than margarine? Oh, that’s right! I do still have 6 more siblings that I’ve hardly even touched on, what about them? Oh, for crying out loud, it’s four in the %@!#*$!! morning. Go to sleep already!!!”
The best thing about blogging? The topics are endless. And all you have to do is look around. The worst thing about blogging? The topics are endless. If you think about just a small space, such as a powder room, there are literally hundreds of things you can talk about. First of all, there’s the toilet, the main feature in the room. That alone brings to mind the human waste system, which is something we humans and animals can all relate to. Think of all of the fart jokes that exist today, there’s a lot! Now, think bigger!! Why? Because in addition to ‘gas’, there are countless things you can say about pee and poo. And there’s the entire human body, after all. There are warts and corns and pimples and hair and dimples and wrinkles. And after you’ve talked about all the things related to the human body, you still have the remainder of the contents of the room to ‘blog’ about. Don’t stay in there too long though. People might start to wonder. Are you looking at the magazine that was sitting on top of the toilet for more ideas? Alright, get your heads out of the gutter, folks! I’m referring to ‘People’ magazine, thank you very much!
Well, I find myself getting carried away yet again which appears to be yet another one of the side effects of being a blogger. Who came up with that name, anyway? It’s not a very pleasant sounding name. It was if someone was sitting at their computer and asked their partner what they should call themselves as their partner was peering into the refrigerator. I can see it now. Their partner had just reached in and pulled out a Tupperware dish, and after removing the lid, discovered an unidentifiable piece of meat with green fur growing on top of it. Their reaction? “Bleh!” And maybe the person at the computer was just logging in and thought, “Hey, what do you get if you put ‘Bleh’ and ‘logging’ together? Aha!”
Ok, I apologize. It’s late and I’m getting silly. I know that’s not how they came up with the name. Probably better call it a night, I can hear ‘Bed’ calling my name. Don’t get too excited, ‘Bed’. I’ll come and join you but I don’t intend to get any rest. I still have to think of another month’s worth of blog topics. And since I’ve already brought up ‘toilets’, I think I’ll start there.