The theme of the day seems to be around ‘health’. I woke up with anxiety (big shocker!) as well as with significant back pain. I have had my back ‘act up’ enough times by now that I know exactly what to do when I feel the first ‘twinge’, call and schedule an appointment with the chiropractor. This morning, each time I barely turned to the right or left, my back would spasm. As soon as the doctor’s office opened up, I called. The receptionist said there was an opening in three hours so I asked her to pencil me in. Since there was a considerable wait before my appointment, I decided to soak in the tub to get some temporary relief. Soaking in a hot bath helped a little, but not much, so I was looking forward to my appointment. When I visit the chiropractor, I can count on getting immediate relief. Of course, that’s after my doctor’s gone through the usual ’round of questions’, but I’m used to the drill. The thing I haven’t gotten used to and don’t know that I ever want to get used to? The way he guides me into and out of his office with his hand partly on my butt and partly on my hip.
I honestly don’t know what to say or do about it! Do I say, “Paws off, Mister!” or “Keep your hands to yourself!” or “I’m not comfortable with you touching me that way,” or do I just stop going and find a new chiropractor? It’s tough because ‘touching people’ is part of his job. I mean, some of the things he does to help ‘pop’ my back seem a little unconventional and if someone were to walk into the room when he’s doing manual manipulations, I think they might get the wrong impression. If you’ve ever had it done before, you probably know what I’m talking about. There’s definitely nothing sexual in nature going on, and he has never said anything inappropriate, but he’s definitely ‘handsy’. The last time I went in for an adjustment, I remember that he did it then, too; however, I didn’t dwell on it. But then when it happened again (this morning), it made me stop and think. And maybe I’m making something out of nothing? If it’s on my mind hours later, obviously something’s niggling me. Ugh. I’m going to sit with it overnight before I make a decision one way or the other.
The idea of having to find a new chiropractor gives me a stomachache. I’ve been going in for adjustments for years because of all the ridiculous things I used to do when I thought I was Wonder Woman! I never deflected bullets off thick bracelets; however, buying fixer-uppers to live in, not to flip, and being continually ‘low on funds’ usually resulted in me being ‘the helper’, which was at times just as difficult as deflecting bullets. Not that I’m complaining, I actually enjoyed it. The ‘role of helper’ included demo-work in addition to laying tile or linoleum, hanging drywall as well as mudding and taping, lifting heavy rolls of wall-to-wall carpet or dozens of two-by-fours or whole sheets of paneling, painting the entire interior of a house by myself with a roller and brush, or any number of home-improvement related tasks. The ‘activity’ that started the back issues? I am pretty sure it had something to do with helping my husband carry two sheets (bound together) of 12-foot-long drywall down a set of stairs and into the basement. My back was never ‘right’ after that.
How did I know something was seriously wrong? I couldn’t move without crying out in pain, it even hurt to breathe. If I was laying down, it didn’t matter whether I laid on my back, side or front. If I was sitting or standing, no matter how or where I sat or stood, I would be miserable. And I resisted going to chiropractors for a long time. My mom always told me that they were a bunch of ‘quacks’. But when you cannot move (without experiencing excruciating pain) for 5 days straight and you miss a week of work, something must be done. And that’s how my whole ‘chiropractor odyssey’ began. The first time was terrible. The person I saw was unable to provide any relief at all. Despite the fact that I was discouraged, I went ahead and tried a different one (at a different clinic) and oh my gosh! One good ‘pop’ and I was back in business! The problem is, my back will never be the same. And, I keep ‘reaggravating’ it. At least I know now to schedule an adjustment right away to prevent things from going off the rails.
Regarding the anxiety, I have been dealing with it for days. It’s been weighing on me so heavily that I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep some more, except that I cannot sleep because I cannot shut off my mind. I started thinking about my old job and former coworkers and how maybe I should reconsider going back once the building opens up again, and then I thought to myself, “What the Hell?! Woman, what’s with the back and forth? I thought this was already a done deal! Why do you keep changing your mind?” In my defense, I am a Pisces. We are known for being wishy-washy. I know, lame excuse. Ok, give me a chance to explain. The logic behind this ‘idea’ was that if I could sit down with each person that I had a ‘beef’ with and openly communicate my frustrations, that maybe we could find some ‘common ground’ and have a better working relationship and it’d be worthwhile to stay. Sounds logical, right? Not so fast.
Before I got too carried away, my oh-so-wise husband chimed in and reminded me of the true nature of a particular person (who is still there and not going anywhere) that I was required to work with on a daily basis. I have mentioned this individual in my blog before and how we mix like oil and water. Things are bad enough on a regular day. But when the boss leaves town and she gets ‘put in charge’? Lord, help me! Her head swells so big that she can barely fit through the doorway. Say no more! I scrapped the idea. My hubby was right, after all. Adding another layer to my original layer of anxiety, is the doubt that has been creeping in about whether I’ll ever get a book deal. If that doesn’t happen, then what? Even though I’m often accused of being a senior citizen, which I don’t mind if there’s a 10% discount involved, I’m not even close to being ‘of retirement age’. I would like to make some kind of financial contribution for the next 5-10 years (or possibly longer) and not place the burden exclusively on my husband’s shoulders.
Other things adding yet another layer to the ever-growing list of anxiety inducers? Relationships. More specifically, those involving my own offspring. Isn’t that usually what is at the heart of most anxiety? It is for me. It seems not a day goes by without there being some kind of ‘issue’ with at least one of my kids. It is a rare day when life is ‘peachy’ for all three at the same time. Usually, there’s an odd man out. I guess I’m grateful there is no family drama with any of my siblings at the moment, aside from the three that are convinced the election was stolen and are on an ‘Impeach Biden Now’ kick. I actually had hope that all of the furor would die down once the inauguration took place. My three siblings included me in a ‘group text’ months ago that has been ongoing and full of hate and homophobia. I’ve asked to be removed from it multiple times because I don’t agree with it and I don’t want any part of it. My request was denied. Other than changing my number, I know of no other way to ‘opt out’ of the conversation.
What else is there to add? Well, there’s always ‘more’ but it’s all really pretty trivial. I’m just feeling a bit tired and uninspired at the moment and I’m sure that’s reflected in what I have shared today. I wish I had something fun and interesting to talk about but I’m feeling a bit brain-dead and don’t think I could even describe something like that, even if it was staring me in the face. Although, literally as I was typing out the last sentence, my dog walked up behind me and belched. Did that help at all? Sorry, folks. It’s just one of those days. I’m going to try and catch up on some sleep and will hopefully have something much more entertaining to share when we meet again. Thank you so much for stopping by. For the folks that are ‘following’ me, I am grateful for you and the continued interest you have in reading about the variety of things I talk about each day. I enjoy the opportunity to discuss my life and family or to just make simple random observations. If all goes well and I haven’t run you off, I trust you will return tomorrow as will I.