October 29, 2020 – An open letter to a guy I once dated.

Hi ‘B’. It’s me. Do you remember me? I’m that neurotic, insecure white girl that met you at a hip-hop club back in the day. Doesn’t ring a bell? Need more info? Well, I had big hair and a big, toothy smile and I loved to dance. And one of your best friends lived up the street from me. Does that help? It does! Oh, good.

The reason I’m writing to you today is because I think closure is important. We never had that, you know? The last time I saw you was a sh*t show. You were going to college and living in the dorms and I took the Greyhound bus all the way across the state to see you after telling my mom that I was going to visit my grandmother and we ended up having a big fight. And after that, when we last spoke, you said you had something you wanted to tell me, and I cut you off mid-sentence. I told you I knew what you were going to say but I really didn’t and I made up all kinds of reasons why it was best that we should go our separate ways. I was going into the military after all, and trying to maintain a long distance relationship just wasn’t very realistic.

‘B’, I really do wish I had let you finish that thought. I wish I hadn’t cut you off. But I did, so it’s done. There’s no going back. It was a long time ago anyway. What I do think is important is that you understand why I did try to reach out to you a couple of times after we parted ways. No, I’m NOT in love with you. Sorry to break the news, but it’s true. And I don’t think I even loved you then and that’s not because you weren’t lovable. I just don’t think I even knew what love was at the time. And, no, I’m not infatuated with you either. But I did look you up once on the internet just to see what you were up to and I’m actually glad I did. When I saw that you had become a pastor, I realized there was no way it could have ever worked out between us. Me? A pastor’s wife?! Not in this lifetime, nor the next!

Look, I do understand that you probably had concerns when your best friend’s mother (that lived up the street from me back in the day) said I had called and inquired about you. You couldn’t possibly know my motivation for reaching out. I imagine it either scared the hell out of you or fed your ego. But I have to tell you, she was REALLY NASTY to me. I had no ill intent. I wasn’t trying to seek you out to rekindle anything or ‘talk old times’, I just had a simple message. And, no, I wasn’t trying to break up your marriage. Let’s be clear, I have a really wonderful husband that loves me despite all of my flaws, and I’m keeping him, so no need to worry about that, ok? I know that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, despite what some people might think. And, looking back, I wish I hadn’t tried to reach out to you because it makes me feel ashamed. If my husband had tried to reach out to one of his former flames, no matter the reason, it would have hurt me deeply. So why did I think it was ok when I did it? I wish I knew. Some roads are just best not travelled upon, you know?

But I cannot take back what happened. It happened. At least, it’s all in the past and I’m so grateful for that. However, I do think it’s important that I tell you (even though you’ll probably never read this message) what I wanted to say all of those years ago. If for no other reason, it’s the closure that I need. And it’s a simple message, nothing too wordy and not even remotely profound.

“‘B’, I know I was a neurotic mess during those few months when our lives intertwined and I imagine you were relieved when we finally parted ways. I was young and emotionally immature so I didn’t always handle things as well as I could or should have. I wish I hadn’t been such a train wreck but I was. I just want you to know I am grateful for you, because even though things were far from perfect, I grew from our experience together. My life is good now and I hope yours is, too. And I really do wish you all the best. I wish you peace and joy and blessings and abundance. And most of all, I wish you love. Sincerely, ‘Me'”

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