July 24, 2021 – Self-Sabotage

If you’d like me to bungle something for you, give me a shout. I don’t mind helping you out, I’m a great ‘bungler’. I’ve been doing it for the better part of my life and have had tons of practice. And there seems to be no end in sight as I continue to bungle things, intentionally or otherwise. Most recently, I bungled a job opportunity, but I do have to wonder if there was some intent there, a bit of self-sabotage to shut the whole production down. As much as I want to work and return to the ‘land of the living’, the job was for 40 hours per week (four 10-hour days). I know I’m capable of doing the job, it consists of responsibilities I’m more than familiar with. But when the hiring representative shared the schedule with me, the initial interest I had began to wane. Twenty hours per week? Sure, I’m all over that! But 40? Just the thought makes me tired. I remember the last time I held a full-time job, and what I remember most is how out-of-balance my life was and how much I looked forward to Fridays!

As I mentioned, I’ve had plenty of practice at bungling. The first memory that comes to mind is when I figuratively fell flat on my face at my first piano recital. I’m glad it wasn’t literally because that really would have hurt! Yes, after practicing for untold hours, when I sat down at that piano bench in front of all of the people in attendance, my mind went totally blank. I completely forgot how to play. I just remember sitting there with my hands raised above the keys for what felt like hours until someone (my piano teacher?) gestured for me to remove my keister from the bench. Around that same time in my life, I had two occurrences in school (same school, different years) https://myentirefamilyisinsane.com/2021/02/01/february-1-2021-scapegoat/ when my sense of humor didn’t resonate with my classmates or teachers and I got into a world of trouble. You’d think I would have learned from the first occurrence but no, apparently once was not enough. I’m all but convinced that I set a record for bungling that year because on top of everything else I just described, I also managed to break my two front teeth by running full speed ahead (in a dark tunnel) and directly into a concrete wall.

In high school, I tried out for the cheerleading squad as well as the color guard but failed miserably at each. It was almost like a repeat scenario of my piano recital except rather than drawing a blank after sitting down at a piano, with cheerleading it involved ‘pompoms’, and with color guard it involved ‘flags’. I do have to wonder if at some subconscious level whether self-sabotage was involved. As opposed as I am to shaving my legs on a regular basis (primarily because I’m lazy), when I think about how much time and energy I would have had to devote to keeping my legs ‘hair free’ so I wouldn’t look like Wolverine in a cheerleading uniform, it makes me stop dead in my tracks. Could you imagine the upkeep?! My hair is so thick and grows so fast (except on my head), I’m pretty sure I have a few more chimp genes than most. I can see it now, while all of the other cheerleaders are standing on the sidelines and preparing to run out onto the field before the game, there I am, sitting on a bench back in the ladies locker room, hurriedly running the razor over my legs yet again to remove the 5 o’clock shadow.

Ugh. Enough about my mutant hair woes. Let’s move on, shall we? Shortly after graduating from high school, I enlisted in the military. I had intended on going into the Air Force Academy and becoming an officer but after a few too many make-out sessions with cute boys, I came down with mono and it threw a wrench in the works. I wish I could blame catching mono on drinking from the public water fountain but I know better. I was always chasing boys and sometimes I’d catch them (and one thing would lead to another). When I was in the military, life was one continuous ‘bungle’. Something seemed to go wrong on a daily basis. I realized shortly after enlisting that perhaps the military wasn’t the best fit for me but it was too late. I had already signed on the dotted line so when the bus pulled up at MEPS, I climbed aboard. Upon completion of tech school, I received orders for a base in Germany. The squadron I was affiliated with was a Mobile Tactical Unit and involved a great deal of driving. Not cars, mind you, but a ‘deuce and a half’ or M35. I could handle a mid-size sedan on the road but an M35 was another matter.

Despite having a driver’s license, I had never mastered parking (or a few other maneuvers). I still haven’t. Unless you want all of the blood to drain from your face, don’t ask me to parallel park (while you’re in the passenger seat or back seat). I cannot explain it but I have yet to figure it out. While in the military, I was expected to drive a massive truck (pulling a trailer) for substantial distances. During a deployment to Denmark, I got myself in two different predicaments. The first one involved the leader of our convoy taking a wrong turn and requiring all of us to do a U-turn in order to get headed in the right direction. While in the process of the U-turn, I underestimated the distance I had to clear a massive, chain-link fence and overestimated my abilities, thereby hopelessly wedging the truck right up against it. It was quite embarrassing. I tried numerous times to get the truck unstuck but eventually someone else had to take the wheel. Not long after that, when our convoy was pulling into a base (midway to our destination), as I proceeded to enter, I panicked, stomped on the gas pedal, and managed to crash into the gate.

I was so miserable in the military. And I screwed up so much! I wanted out but no matter what I did, they (my superiors) kept giving me second and third and fourth chances. After a couple of years, the military (finally) granted me an honorable discharge but I continued to self-sabotage. However, the majority of it was directed at my weight and health. During various phases of my life, I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers, TOPS (take off pounds sensibly), Overeaters Anonymous, and a few other groups dedicated to the fight against fat. Nothing worked. I also had not one, but two tummy tucks + lipo after gaining and losing and gaining and losing (weight) enough times that my body lost track of what was supposed to go where. The problem is (and was) that tummy tucks + lipo work great if you keep the weight off afterward but that’s not how I roll. Despite practicing my daily mantra of ‘Nothing tastes as good as thin feels’, I was able to find quite a few things that tasted a great deal better than thin felt. For one, a cheeseburger with french fries and a large chocolate shake followed by a half-dozen donuts.

Because of my poor ‘nutritional’ choices over the years, instead of having the body type of an apple or pear, mine is more like a slightly shriveled kumquat. Not sure what that looks like? I can tell you this much, it ain’t pretty! For that reason, I choose to ‘cover up’. I wish I had the body confidence I did back when I was 18 but those days are over. When I shop for tops, I stick to the kind with 3/4 and full-length sleeves, and when I shop for ‘shorts’, the only ones I purchase are the ones that come below my knees (even though those are technically called ‘capris’). Sigh. I wish I could say I’m done ‘bungling’ and self-sabotaging but I don’t want my nose to grow like Pinocchio’s. As we speak, I’m at it again with regard to my house. I knew when we raised the price (after we listed it), it would work against us. Did I do it because (deep down) I really don’t want to make the move? We haven’t had any interest in over a week aside from two showings which were cancelled (one had to cancel because they were evacuated and one cancelled after driving by the property).

Maybe one of these days I’ll start getting out of my own way but don’t get your hopes up. Something like that might require a brain transplant and while doctors and scientists have figured out how to successfully replace many organs (liver, lungs, kidneys), the brain isn’t one of them (at least that I’m aware of). Anyhow, now that I’ve said my piece, I suppose I’d better go. It’s been another long, exhausting day and I need to get some rest. Thanks so much for stopping by and I hope to see you again soon!

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