I just wanted to drop in for an ever-so-brief ‘hello’. Life has been really challenging lately and I’ve experienced some drastic highs and lows. On the low side of things, I lost my mom. No, I didn’t lose her as one might lose a jacket or a wallet or even a set of keys, she’s gone for good and she’s not coming back. There’s absolutely no possibility that I’ll ever be able to check with ‘lost and found’ and find her amongst the slew of jackets, stray sets of keys, random mittens, and countless BPA-free water bottles. Alzheimer’s and old age finally caught up with her and after putting up one hell of a fight, she relented and crossed over to the ‘other side’. As much as she drove me bananas, I didn’t realize how much she mattered to me until she wasn’t around any longer. Sigh.
In addition to that, I sort of lost my way. Long story short, I got a job that I thought was the ‘end-all, be-all’ and learned in three weeks’ time that it wasn’t. I really believed that it was my purpose and that I finally had life all figured out. Yes, I’m still searching for my purpose…although I think I’m closer to discovering what it is than I’ve ever been. If I ever do find it, you’ll be the first to know. Ok, hang on a minute, that’s really not an accurate statement. After I tell my husband, my kids, a few friends, my therapist, my brother Clover and possibly one of my neighbors, I will definitely advise you as to what it is. Geesh, I thought I was doing the ‘long story short’ version but here I go again…blah, blah, blah. So, LSS (for real, this time), I gave my notice after only working 9 days (due to continual health issues) and after giving my notice, I fell into a really deep rut. And maybe ‘rut’ isn’t the best noun to use. It was more like I fell off a cliff, rolled into a ravine (upon landing), and then once I clawed my way out of the ravine, somehow found myself at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft.
The best way to sum up where I ultimately ended up was my own version of hell. On a soul level, I was ‘this close’ to throwing in the towel and joining my mom. The message I told myself on a daily basis was, “I don’t matter.” It’s amazing what you can do to sabotage all the good things in your life when you feel this way, and how much weight you can gain! And I went on for several months in this fashion until I simply couldn’t stand how much I loathed myself. Ok, this is where I get to the ‘high’ part of the highs and lows, and I mean that literally and figuratively. Out of desperation, I sought out a therapist to see if she could help me find my way back to the land of the living. I have to say, she has done wonders. But beyond that, I have resorted to micro-dosing psilocybin mushrooms. Not to worry! I live in one of the very few states where it’s actually legal or at least decriminalized. Thank goodness!
Of all the people in this world, I’m the last person who would ever consider using psychedelics to achieve ‘wellness’; I’m about as ‘square’ as they come. Seriously, I’ve never even smoked a joint! But desperate times call for desperate measures. Believe me, I did not make this decision without fully educating myself and knowing all the ins and outs beforehand (reading How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan was a gamechanger). And I can honestly tell you that it’s helping. I’m not 100% cured, however, I am completely off Prozac for the first time in 16 years and feel much more human. What I found astonishing was how easy it was to grow mushrooms. I’ve killed essentially every plant that’s ever been in my care, but I’m quite ‘the Wiz’ when it comes to growing mushrooms. Little effort = big results, at least in my case…or maybe I just got lucky (see photo).
Anyway, I just wanted to share all of this so that if you happened to be curious about where I’d disappeared to, now you know. No, it doesn’t account for the rest of the time I’ve been ‘absent’ and neglecting my blog, and there’s simply no way I can explain away that apart from writer’s burnout and life got in the way. Does that mean I’m going to resume writing daily or weekly or monthly? I wish I could make that promise but I don’t want to set myself up for failure. All I can muster for the time being is a brief ‘hello’ and hope that in time, I can return on a regular basis to cheer you up or distract you or entertain you with a tale or two. Until we meet again, much joy to you and yours. AND thank you to those folks who have recently liked some of my previous posts. I truly thought my blog was long forgotten so it gives me a real boost to see that folks still enjoy what I’ve had to share.
If I knew how to make a heart emoji, I’d put it right here.
