Something miraculous has happened! I slept through the night the last two nights in a row!! So why do I feel so angry? I mean, I am pissed! The last post I published helped me significantly as I was able to process so much from my childhood and have a better understanding as to why I became who I am today. Had I been raised in a household like Beaver Cleaver, I would follow that up by saying it’s why I am the confident, upbeat, successful person that I am today. Ha! I wish that were the case. The reality is that I am continually plagued with self hatred, low self esteem, and self doubt. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but as I sit here at my keyboard, staring at a big white screen, that’s my truth. As to why I am so angry, I didn’t wake up that way. I climbed out of bed this morning refreshed and anxiety-free.
After giving it some thought, I have come to realize what was behind the mood shift. My brother Clover (#7) has been digitizing old VHS tapes, and he sent me a few clips early this afternoon. Wouldn’t you know it that my stepfather was included in the footage on the first two he sent? Damnit! Seeing his face and hearing his voice again just sent me reeling! I know getting all riled up isn’t healthy, and I need to forgive him so I can move on, but I’m not there yet. I mentioned in Part Two that shortly after he became part of our family, how family meetings/lectures were introduced. And, no, they didn’t show up at the door and say, “Hello, we’re going to be part of your new normal. Whether or not you like or appreciate us, we’re going to stick around in order to make sure that if you ever experience a bout of self confidence or elevated self esteem, we’ll be sure to snuff it out and in a hurry. Please don’t take it personally. It’s just how we operate. If you’d prefer a different experience, sorry, we cannot help you with that.”
That was the first ‘disciplinary measure’ my stepfather utilized to maintain order in our home. Hands down, the next one was even better! It involved adult temper tantrums followed by days long silent treatments. Now, I have to give him some credit because the circumstances changed significantly in our household. And by that, I mean that my alcoholic, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, kleptomaniac grandmother moved in. Her presence didn’t help matters, it just seemed to make them far worse. She wasn’t happy to be there and she made sure everyone knew it. I wasn’t exactly thrilled either because, due to lack of anywhere else to put her, she became my roommate. Nonetheless, the atmosphere in our home went from ‘walking on eggshells’ status to ‘living in a pressure cooker’. And it wasn’t long before I think my mom and stepfather realized that the current living quarters were too small to accommodate all of its inhabitants, so a ‘for sale’ sign was placed in/on the front lawn and shortly thereafter, we moved to a newer, slightly larger home.
This is when life as I knew it went in a whole new, completely unexpected direction. If I didn’t think my stepfather could get any more creative with his measured ways of keeping us in line, I was WAY wrong! It made the family meetings/lectures seem like a walk in the park! This new methodology involved throwing a fit worthy of an Oscar, followed by utter silence which would last for days. I never knew when it was coming, but once it did, I just had to run for cover and wait it out. It didn’t take much to set him off. One day, instead of doing my chores as soon as I got home from school, I turned on the TV and started to watch cartoons. Because I was so engrossed in the cartoons, I didn’t notice that shortly thereafter, he had arrived home and made his way up the stairs and to the front door. When that door swung open, as I sat cross legged in front of the TV, I knew I had made a rookie mistake. And I was going to pay for it. Boy, was I ever!
My stepfather didn’t acknowledge me at all. After opening the door and scanning the room, he walked straight over to the TV and shut it off forcefully with the palm of his hand. I cowered momentarily, and then after he stomped down the hallway, heading for the broom closet, I sought shelter in my bedroom. The only occupants in the house at the time were the two of us. Had there been other adults in the house, he never would have behaved this way. This went on for years and my mom never knew because he wouldn’t dare act that way if she were home. Bastard. Anyway, as I said, his ‘performances’ were worthy of an Oscar, or at least a Screen Actors Guild Award. The first part of his performance would involve retrieving all of the necessary cleaning items. My chore that week was to clean the living and dining room, so the first thing he hauled out of the closet was a Kirby vacuum, which was made with die-cast aluminum and weighed a ton. Along with that came the furniture polish, dust rags, broom and mop, window cleaner and newspapers.
The items were removed from the broom closet with anything but grace and ease. In an effort to let me know how angry he was, he ordinarily would thrash about and carry on like an angry gorilla. Along with the incessant cussing he would make under his breath, there would be a great deal of grunting, loud sighing, slamming and banging. It’s really quite amazing how much noise you can make with cleaning implements when you put your mind to it! Sorry, I couldn’t help but be sarcastic but the opportunity presented itself and I didn’t want to waste it. Oh, crap! I just looked at the time and noticed that it’s getting away from me and I still have so much more to say. I’m beginning to think this might turn into a book. That wasn’t my intention but this topic is becoming less like a post and more like a novel. I really do need to wrap this up though. But before I go, I do want to acknowledge Jack (davisbrotherlylove) and Janet (janetdthomas77). It means a lot that you appreciate what I write. Truly. Thank you.
