My entire family is insane.

November 23, 2020 – Hair Loss

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined I would be so fearful of doing something that most people do without a moment’s hesitation, washing my hair. Yet here I am, it’s been four days and I still haven’t done it. Why haven’t I washed my hair? It’s simple. I’m trying to hang onto whatever’s left. Each time I wash it, half of it seems to end up going down the drain. What does the drain have to offer that I don’t? I’m even afraid to brush my hair because just as many take a ‘leave of absence’ when I do. They don’t even ask for permission. My little hairs are leaping off my head like leaves from a tree in autumn. And I do realize it’s autumn, but that’s not why my hair is falling out. My issue is related to medication that I’m required to take to live. And I’m finding myself quite upset over the matter. I never expected this. I certainly didn’t plan for this. And I can tell you, I am not ready to go full-on ‘Kojak’. Some people can and look fantastic being bald. I’m not one of them.

November 22, 2020 – The pitfalls of being a perfectionist.

I wish I was someone that could just do something mediocre and be ok with it. But I wasn’t born that way. It doesn’t matter what the task, how large or how small, I have to work at it until I achieve perfection. My husband reminded me today that ‘I have a problem’, which I readily agree. When I woke up this morning, my goal was to finish painting the bathroom walls. I initially thought I had finished earlier this afternoon. And then I went back and started noticing areas that weren’t completely covered. So I painted some more. And then I went back and noticed even more places that I missed. So I painted some more. And believe it or not, here we are, late into the evening, and yet again, I just found two more areas that were missed and resurrected the paint and brush for the umpteenth time. I tell you, it’s exhausting!

November 21, 2020 – Should I stay or should I go?

It seems that most of us have a pretty good internal gauge that helps us determine when it’s time to move on. Whether that decision (to stay or go) pertains to a relationship or a job, the questions to ask yourself are essentially the same. And sometimes we pay close attention to that gauge and heed its warnings and sometimes we ignore it and try to come up with every possible reason why it’s ‘off’ or why it cannot be relied upon. But that gauge cannot be ignored. If you fail to notice the little signals it gives off to let you know you’re going in the wrong direction, it will just increase them in quantity and intensity. If that little ‘zap’ doesn’t get your attention, like the one you get when you reach for the handle of your car, try sticking your finger in a light socket. No, please don’t stick your finger in a light socket. I’m just using this as a metaphor.

November 20, 2020 – Tinkerbell (Part Two)

Where was I? Oh, yes! I was telling you about the time I went to see my biological father, ‘Big Beluga’, after he went AWOL and was absent from my life for well over 25 years. I left off at the part where we were walking down the stairwell and headed for the mini-van. In but a few minute’s time, I got to ‘see’ a little bit more of my father than I ever anticipated. And was I disappointed! It wasn’t at all what I expected. I didn’t get the acknowledgement or affection I had so longed for. The ‘vision’ I had in my head quickly crumbled when I saw him for the first time after such a long absence from my life. And I could get over his appearance. I don’t always look my best, I get it. It’s what’s inside that counts. But once he started talking, and 90% of the subject matter was paranoia about ‘Tinkerbells’, I knew that the father I once dreamed of and the beautiful reunion that I so looked forward to, would never be more than that, a ‘dream’. Sigh.

November 19, 2020 – Tinkerbell (Part One)

I have so many things that I want to talk about today, but I feel compelled to talk about my biological father. I’m going to refer to him as ‘Big Beluga’ from here on out, or ‘BB’ for short. As I mentioned in an earlier post, ‘One person can make all of the difference (PART ONE)‘, I talked a bit about my father and our relationship. He treated me exceptionally well when I was a child. I have so many memories of all of our outings together. But once my mom remarried, when I was at the tender age of eight, he disappeared, just like that! Poof. There was no ‘goodbye’, no envelope left behind with a heartfelt letter, no phone call, he was just gone. Over the years, I wondered if I had done something to displease him. Was he angry with me? Did he have another family somewhere? Or was he even alive?

November 18, 2020 – You do what you’ve got to do.

I’ve done a lot of things to earn money throughout my lifetime. I think my very first job was babysitting, but I hated it. I did get something from the experience, however. It helped me realize that I don’t like being responsible for other people or other people’s children or being ‘in charge’. I was lousy at it. Maybe being the baby of the family and being the one that was looked after had something to do with that. During the 50+ years I’ve spent on this planet, I have discovered that I’ve often had to do things I’d rather not do, but because of circumstances, I just had to grin and bear it. Before I even graduated high school, I had already had more jobs than you can count on both hands. And since then, I’ve had countless more. Honestly, I think I’ve had more jobs than many adults have had throughout their entire lives. How is that even possible?

November 17, 2020 – Massage Encounters

There is nothing quite like a massage to reset your body as well as your mind. I didn’t have my first massage until well into adulthood when my husband purchased one for me as a birthday gift. After the session, I felt a state of relaxation I had never felt before. It was w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l (aside from the undressing part, which still makes me uneasy). Why hadn’t I done it sooner? I’ll tell you why, because massages aren’t cheap. They’re a luxury. If you want to experience luxury, you’re going to have to pay. Nowadays, you’re looking at $80 for a one-hour massage (on the low end) and the price just goes up from there. Fortunately, there are ways around that. And I can be pretty resourceful, so I’ve found a few. Some have been very successful, some have been anything but.

November 16, 2020 – Head in the Sand

I wish I had stayed home today but I needed groceries so there was no getting around it. I had a good attitude when I left my house, but as usual, I returned with a rather somber disposition. What is up with humanity? People act so ugly towards each other. I just don’t understand it. And what I really find confounding is what comes out of people’s mouths. Do they hear themselves? I have heard people say the most violent, hateful things towards their children and/or spouses and/or whoever happens to be with them at that particular time. Today, as I was standing in an aisle at the grocery store and looking for some Chai Tea, trying to mind my own business, a family of four walked past. Their group consisted of, as best I can tell, a mother and a father and their two young sons. Dear old dad, as he was right alongside me, said aloud to one of his sons, “In about 6 seconds, I’m going to punch you in the mouth.”

November 15, 2020 – Dreams and Desires

Each day that I write, I never know where it’s going to take me. It can lead virtually anywhere. But that’s the beauty of it, I suppose. The possibilities are endless. Today I thought a lot about where this could potentially lead. I am enjoying writing more than any other creative outlet that I’ve pursued. I cannot explain it, but it brings me incredible joy. And wouldn’t it be something if it lead to something even greater? I imagine a “Wayne’s World” moment, when you’re just doing your thing and then somebody in the industry notices and says, “Hey, this girl’s got something!” If you’ve ever watched the movie, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you have to watch it. So many classic moments and so funny!! It’s in my ‘top 20 favorite comedy films of all time’. I still find myself quoting it, nearly 30 years after it was released. “Camera one, camera two. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?! We’re not worthy! If you’re gonna spew, spew into this. Ahh, Nuprin. Little, yellow, different.”

November 14, 2020 – Over the river and through the woods…

The title for today’s blog is from a famous nursery rhyme. And if you’re familiar with it, you’ll probably know the words that follow, ‘to Grandmother’s house we go’. The idea of grandparents is one that many equate with unconditional love, warm and welcoming embraces, homemade cookies and bedtime stories. I equate mine with rejection. I’m not sure what happened when I was assigned my grandparents in this lifetime, but I think I was robbed! Maybe I drew the short straw or maybe having wonderful grandparents is an urban myth or an old wives tale, one that keeps getting perpetuated from one generation to the next.