My entire family is insane.

November 13, 2020 – Skiing isn’t for everyone.

Throughout my childhood, I spent a lot of time outdoors. It didn’t matter what season it was, I always found something to keep myself busy and out of trouble. Winter wasn’t particularly fun, because usually it just rained and rained and rained some more. But on a rare occasion, the winter doldrums would be replaced with sheer joy and exuberance. All it took was what many experience on a regular basis around the country during the wintertime, s-n-o-w. And usually it’s not something you look forward to after you’ve spent enough days or weeks or months brushing it off your car, or shoveling it off your sidewalk and/or driveway. But where I lived, it was something to truly celebrate! It gave us kids the opportunity to make snow angels and snowmen and build snow forts and have snowball fights, and my all-time favorite thing, tubing. There is nothing as exhilarating as carrying an innertube to the crest of a hill, climbing on top, and letting it carry you at breathtaking speed all the way down to the bottom.

November 12, 2020 – A thank you card would have been nice.

I work hard for my money, at least I did until I was laid off, so if you have an event or an occasion or a party or a celebration and I bought you a gift, I’d really appreciate some acknowledgement in writing. It doesn’t need to cost a lot of money, nor does it need to take a lot of time. What does an envelope, a piece of paper and a stamp cost? Maybe one dollar? How long does it take to write a brief message on a piece of paper and fill out an envelope? Maybe 15 minutes? I’m telling you, it doesn’t take much. If you watch Judge Judy or any other 30 minute television program, you can literally write the message, fill out the envelope, affix the stamp and run the whole kitten caboodle out to the mailbox just during the time the show pauses for commercial breaks. And not to worry, you’re still going to be able to watch all of the courtroom drama and hear Judy’s verdict at the end.

November 11, 2020 – Catch of the day!

Decades ago, when I was a young girl, there was nothing quite like spending the afternoon at one of the nearby lakes, especially on a warm summer’s day. Each of them were within walking or biking distance and they proved a delightful way to wile away the hours when you had nothing better to do. There were endless things to see and experience. On the surface of the water, small insects, nearly weightless, skittered across effortlessly. Ducks and geese continually lifted off or landed, quacking or honking to announce their intent. Colorful, jeweled-tone dragonflies flew haphazardly about. And if you carefully scanned the lily pads that grew in clusters by the shore, you would often discover a toad or a frog resting, half in/half out of the water.

November 10, 2020 – Stirring the pot.

I am writing to talk about one of my sisters today. I’ve spent weeks trying to come up with a ‘fun’ name to refer to her by since I’m not using her actual name but it’s proving quite challenging. It was pretty easy coming up with names for most of my brothers (the Kraken, Turtle, Clover, Dapper Dan) as they all have certain characteristics that set them apart. But my sisters? Yikes. With my oldest sister, there have been two things that come to mind whenever I think of her; I don’t trust her as far as I can throw an elephant and she loves to ‘stir the pot’. I’ve been trying to stay within the categories of plants and animals when assigning a fake name or alias to each of my siblings but this one has me stumped! Do you know any plants or animals that can throw an elephant or stir pots? I haven’t had any luck so far despite countless Google searches.

November 9, 2020 – Dog Poop Etiquette

Every other day I walk my dog. She demands it. It doesn’t matter what the temperature is or how tired I am, we are taking that walk. Generally, once I set out, it actually is a pretty pleasant experience. It’s always good to get some fresh air and if it’s a sunny day, even better. I’ll take all the Vitamin-D I can get! What I can never get my head around, however, are the piles of poop that flank either side of the path that we walk. Who are these pet owners that think it’s ok to do that? The city isn’t going to clean up after you and neither am I. I’m taking care of my own dog’s ‘business’. Why aren’t you taking care of your’s?

November 8, 2020 – Doomed from the start.

When I was growing up, there was one thing we weren’t allowed to say. It’s not a ‘swear word’, but it packs a pretty powerful punch. In my house, it was the equivalent of getting slapped across the face, punched in the gut and kneed in the groin (at the same time). “Shut up.” Ack! I hate those two words!! There are so many other ways to get the same point across without being so aggressive. When I talk to my husband, even when things get heated, as much as I want to scream it, I just never say it. Those two words carry as much weight (in my world) as a 4-letter word. Not just any 4-letter word, but the kind that the censors ‘bleep’ out whenever there’s a live show on TV. They are words that once spoken, leave a permanent mark.

November 7, 2020 – Buyer Beware

The meaning of words can be very subjective, depending on who you ask. This is especially true when you’re trying to describe the condition of something. What one person might deem as ‘excellent’ may only qualify as ‘fair’ to someone else. There is one place on the internet where I find this to be a pretty common thing, where opinions can vary widely as to whether something is actually poor, fair, good, excellent or new. Craigslist. I don’t completely understand why so often things end up ‘mislabeled’. I continually come across items that are often placed under the ‘excellent’ category where they clearly don’t belong. And I’m telling you, it really floors me, especially when you go to great efforts to acquire something, only to discover you’d have been better off just staying home and knocking out a few loads of laundry. This happened to my husband and me a couple of years ago.

November 6, 2020 – I get by with a little help from my friend(s).

Hello, I’d like to introduce you to my dear friend, Prozac. He and I were introduced about 13 years ago and we’ve been great friends ever since. Before Prozac, my life was pretty bleak. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, and never thought ‘a way in’ was even possible. And this started way back, probably around the age of 10. That’s the first record I have (from a journal entry) of contemplating suicide.

November 5, 2020 – Time to release the Kraken.

Have I ever told you about my oldest brother? I’m going to refer to him as ‘the Kraken’. ‘The Kraken’ is perplexing to me. In person, during the few times we’ve actually gotten together, he ‘seems’ so incredibly normal and funny and supportive. He makes me laugh and listens and offers advice and makes me feel really special. But something happens when he disappears behind the shield of a computer or phone or tablet, it’s almost like Jekyll and Hyde. Something mysterious happens when he is physically out of reach, some strange metamorphosis. This funny, unassuming person can become rather frightening. One false move and BAM! First, his eyes narrow and then a great beak that can snap a steel beam in half protrudes from his face. Long orange horns that are covered in suckers surrounded by razor sharp teeth emerge from the base of his body. And slowly the horns grow until they have taken on the form of lashing tentacles capable of crushing a man in mere seconds. And while all of this is occurring, his body quadruples in size and becomes encased in a bile green, poisonous slime. But that’s not even the worst of it. We haven’t even talked about what happens to his breath! It will suddenly and inexplicably release a putrid ink that smells of bones and rotting flesh. And, no, that’s not because he’s got halitosis. It’s because he just chewed someone up and spit them out!

November 4, 2020 – Once upon a ‘timeshare’.

Many years ago, there was a man, a very disreputable, unsavory character that was always trying to find ways to make a quick buck. He tried a few ‘get rich quick’ schemes but they never amounted to much. There were pyramid schemes, but he could never seem to rise above the lowest level, and for a while he sold long distance calling cards but those pretty much dried up once cell phones came into the picture. He was a savvy individual and he knew that it would just take that one ‘idea’, that one brilliant ‘concept’ to achieve his dream, amassing a fortune and living a life of luxury. “What is it that humans want? How can I turn a quick buck?” he’d often ask himself. Then one day, when he was feeling extremely desperate, as his rent was due and he had only 3 cans of soup left in his cupboard, he decided to take action. “What is it that humans want? I’m never going to know if I don’t ask!” he said aloud.