My entire family is insane.

November 3, 2020 – One person can make all of the difference (PART TWO).

Alright, where did I leave off? Oh! That’s right, I was telling you about my stepdad ‘Larry’.

Larry joined our family when I was eight years old and things changed drastically the moment he married my mom. Larry was all about structure (Harry) and discipline (Mo) and rules (Larry the 2nd) and he didn’t waste any time introducing his three friends to us kids. The three of us at the bottom became very familiar with Harry, Mo and Larry the 2nd (HM&L2) because my stepdad had the most peculiar way of driving them into your head. No, he never hit us. Thank God for that! He didn’t even yell and scream and threaten. What did he do? The good old silent treatment. Wait a minute. Hang on. I can already hear you say sarcastically, “Poor Baby! Daddy didn’t talk to you for a little while because he was unhappy with you? How terrible it must have been! Consider yourself lucky. At least you didn’t get the strap or worse!” Well, let me explain and then maybe you’ll understand.

November 2, 2020 – One person can make all of the difference (PART ONE).

Those of you that are reading this are probably thinking that I’m about to tell you at length about someone that really inspired me, that really motivated me, that really changed my life for the better. Sorry. As much as I would LOVE to do that, I’m afraid that’s a story to be told by someone else, my friend. My story is about someone that came along during my formative years and changed the trajectory of my life along with my self worth in a very short period of time. I don’t believe for a minute that that was their intent. I think they really did have the best of intentions, but things don’t always go as planned.

November 1, 2020 – A very follicular fable.

There’s nothing quite like sitting down at the table and plunging your fork into a nice, healthy portion of lasagna only to discover it’s got a secret ingredient, a piece of your own hair. You won’t realize this, of course, until you put it in your mouth and start to chew, and then it will become quite obvious. And at first, you won’t be sure whose hair it even is (even though it’s likely yours since you cooked the lasagna) until you pull it out of your mouth and examine it. Although you’re slightly grossed out from the experience, since it is your own hair, you’re able to shrug it off and continue to eat. You know where your hair’s been and whether it’s clean. At least, I hope you do.

October 31, 2020 – Fixer Uppers

There’s something about fixer uppers. They always seem to seduce me somehow. Maybe it’s the warped floors and the paneled walls or those oh-so-adorable-and-practical original, single pane, aluminum windows? Or perhaps it’s the dated bathrooms with turquoise fixtures and galvanized pipes that prove nearly impossible to resist? So cute! And the charm of the warped, dried out cedar shakes that serve to protect the roof? Undeniable. And what’s not to like about an entire house filled with VINTAGE wiring? So quaint. I’m in! Wait, what?! Did I just put an offer on that piece of property where the bathroom has a spongy floor and the front door is coming off its hinges? Oh, yes. Yes, I did!

October 30, 2020 – Grandma was a klepto.

Have you ever been out to lunch with my grandma? You’d know if you did. At the end of the meal, the table would look quite bare. All of the creamer and butter and single-serve jams and jellies would be missing along with most of the silverware. Where did it go? Into grandma’s purse, of course! Where do you think the term ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ came from? It was my great aunt that came up with that expression after inadvertently glancing into my grandma’s purse as they drove home after lunch one day. Not really. I’m teasing. It wasn’t my great aunt. But wouldn’t it be funny if it were?

October 29, 2020 – An open letter to a guy I once dated.

Hi ‘B’. It’s me. Do you remember me? I’m that neurotic, insecure white girl that met you at a hip-hop club back in the day. Doesn’t ring a bell? Need more info? Well, I had big hair and a big, toothy smile and I loved to dance. And one of your best friends lived up the street from me. Does that help? It does! Oh, good.

October 28, 2020 – No soliciting. Think I’m kidding? Think again!

Thanks a lot, Sir Paul McCartney. You had to write that blasted song to make people think that everyone loves people just dropping by whenever they get the notion. “Someone’s knocking at the door, someone’s ringing the bell. Someone’s knocking at the door, someone’s ringing the bell. Do me a favor, open the door and let ’em in.” Ummmm. No. Don’t let them in. I’m not interested in what they’re selling. I’m really not.

October 27, 2020 – All Things Endcap

Once, long ago, in a village far, far away, there lived a peasant woman. About 10 minutes away from her cottage, as the crow flies, stood the nearest market. It had nearly everything anyone could ever possibly want or need. Its inventory included assorted candies which were stored in glass jars (licorice, peppermints and hard candies) to fabrics (cotton, wool, linen and leather) to grains and seeds (which could be used to bake the finest bread or start a garden), and a great deal more! The menfolk often came to inquire about the latest firearms and/or munitions in stock or to determine whether there had been a recent shipment of tobacco or jerky. And the womenfolk loved to visit the market, not only to get all they needed to care for their households, but to also admire the exquisite displays of jewelry or hair products (hand mirrors, brushes and delicately hand painted combs). The peasant woman would often go to the market to see all of the amazing things that were to be had, although she often left empty handed as there wasn’t much that she could buy with but a few pence.

October 26, 2020 – Name that tune! Earworms, what happens when a song gets stuck in your head.

Billy Joel, would you please get out of my head?! I am tired of hearing about uptown girls and a particular state of mind that you’re in at the moment and only good people dying young. It has been nearly three hours and no matter what I do, I cannot seem to shake you. I need some relief! Please, could you take a break and let someone else have a turn? I’m desperate! I’ll take anything, I’ll even settle for Barry Manilow. Don’t have any of that available? I’ll even take Jazz. I am not a fan but I need a break. But be kind and please don’t start up with Kenny G or I might just jump off a bridge!!

October 25, 2020 – How did a Samurai get in my house?

Huh? Who IS that? There’s some guy with a ponytail working out on my elliptical!! Wait a sec. He sort of looks familiar. Oh, hang on! Don’t call the police. It’s just my husband. But what the heck is he doing with a ponytail? Am I in some parallel universe where I married a ‘ponytail guy’? This cannot be happening. I have been quite selective about what I want in a mate and I’m pretty sure that ‘ponytail’ was not on the list. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was one of the disqualifiers. So, how the heck did this happen?