My entire family is insane.

January 12, 2021 – Is it better to have loved and lost?

I watched a movie recently. It was called ‘On the Rocks’ and it starred Rashida Jones and Bill Murray. It’s about the relationship between a father and daughter and the gist of the movie is that the father’s continual interference and assumptions about his son-in-law’s behavior end up jeopardizing his daughter’s marriage. When it was over, a wave of sadness swept over me. Why? Even though the father’s character played by Bill Murray was flawed, he doted on his daughter and was completely devoted to her. And I envied that. I had it briefly as a child, when my biological father (Big Beluga) was in my life, but once he disappeared off the face of the planet, there was no more ‘doting’ or ‘devotion’. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to have a devoted dad that is ‘there’ through it all. To have someone to walk you down the aisle, to be that ‘shoulder to cry on’ when times are hard, to have that person that looks forward to your visits after you’ve grown up and moved across the country. What is it like?

January 11, 2021 – A Scot in the midst!

Genealogy? Not interested. We’re all basically mutts. That’s how I used to feel. But recently, I became a bit curious about it after my daughter decided to dip her big toe in the genealogy pool and got back some interesting results. What did she find out? In addition to discovering that she has a very good likelihood of developing some of my unfavorable traits (misophonia, for one), she also found out that she’s 26% Scottish. Huh? It couldn’t have come from my side, I’ve always been told I was half-Irish, half-German. My mom’s ancestors came from County Cork, Ireland and my father’s from Rhineland-Palatinate, Germany. And as far as my husband’s side? Even less likely. He’s half Hispanic and half ‘a-bunch-of-other-stuff’. The simplest explanation? Either ‘Ancestry’ made a mistake or a ‘Scot’ snuck into the picture at some point and went completely undetected. On whose side? Who knows? But I have a hunch.

January 10, 2021 – Must we toil?

I’ve been processing what it means to qualify as ‘productive’. By that, I mean what it takes to be considered a contributing member of society. In other words, not a ‘bum’. Growing up, I was taught that one must continually keep ‘busy’. And the best way to achieve that was through physical work. Raking, mowing, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, dusting, vacuuming, washing, folding. Honest work involved ‘movement’. No matter the task, the end goal was to achieve utter physical exhaustion. If you fell into bed at the end of the day, ‘job well done’. Lack of movement or being sedentary was viewed as ‘being lazy’. If I was ever ‘caught’ being still and wasn’t actually sleeping, it was not perceived well. Being still or being ‘idle’ have gotten a bad rap over the years. When I grew up, it was considered the worst 4-letter word. It was worse than the ‘c’ word, the ‘f’ word and the ‘s’ word combined. It was the most wasteful way to ‘conduct’ yourself or spend your time.

January 9, 2021 – Second Chances

Aside from concerns about the direction my country is headed, today was actually a pretty good day. I got my blood draw at the lab knocked out right away, ate breakfast, put a grocery list together, and then headed out the door to run some errands. While I was out running errands, I thought about what my brother Clover suggested after I called him a few days ago and told him about my husband’s lousy birthday last week. “Have a do-over,” he said. “Naw,” I initially responded, “It’s over and done with. I’m just going to wait until next year and then try to make it up to him.” But as I was driving around town, I mulled over that conversation. “He’s right!” I thought to myself, “I should have a do-over. What’s stopping me?” The only person stopping me was me. I didn’t need to wait almost an entire year to make it up to him. His birthday was only 9 days ago. What better time than the present?!

January 8, 2021 – Time to heal.

After a 2-month hiatus (waiting for my insurance matters to get worked out), I was finally able to meet with my therapist. It was a good session, but it left me with as many questions as answers. I was really candid with her about wanting to ‘throw in the towel’ last week. I told her that I hadn’t been that down and desperate since before my surgery, but that I couldn’t seem to shake the depression that had taken a hold of me since just prior to Christmas. I guess Christmas is tough for most people. There are a host of expectations that are attached to it. ‘Merry’, ‘Happy’, and ‘Joyful’ come to mind, but rarely are any of those words used to describe an actual Christmas. It’s a day for many that centers on faith, food, family and festivities. However, more often than not, it’s a big letdown. The whole ‘event’ seems to not only drain our bank accounts, but our emotions as well.

January 7, 2021 – Violence doesn’t solve anything.

I must first begin by saying how disappointed I am in the events that took place at our nation’s capital yesterday. I don’t like to talk politics. It’s one of those touchy subjects that often divide people. It’s the same reason I avoid discussing religion. But I have to tell you, to see our president encouraging people to act like hoodlums, inciting violence and trying to disrupt democratic processes? It’s so incredibly disheartening. We have had a democracy in place that has served us well, and for one person to create so much chaos in such a short amount of time? It gives me pause. In recent years, there seem to be so many more people coming out of the woodwork that are espousing hatred, violence and intolerance to deal with things or other people they don’t necessarily agree with. When are we as humans ever going to learn? Violence is not the solution.

January 6, 2021 – Clothing Optional

Anytime I see a sign that says ‘clothing optional’, count me out. I like my clothes. They keep me warm and they cover a multitude of ‘sins’. I don’t want to go anywhere if I have to look at other people’s ‘parts’. Especially, if they’re jiggling about. What can I say? Nudity or nakedness makes me extremely uncomfortable. Although, that cannot be said for everyone. ‘Nudist colonies’ or ‘nude beaches’ wouldn’t be a thing if everyone felt as I did. And what about the many tribal communities that exist today? Those folks do just about everything sans clothing, cleaning, cooking, hunting, dancing, you name it! We all enter the world ‘naked as a Jaybird’. We don’t exit the birth canal wearing a cap, a cardigan, jeans and leather shoes. So when and why did I develop this discomfort? I have an inkling about it. I am sure a great deal of my feelings and beliefs about nudity are rooted in the teachings of the Catholic church. Even though our family was excommunicated when I was only 2 years old, those things you learn during your formative years stick with you.

January 5, 2021 – Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.

Hope is a funny thing. It can come rushing towards you, lift you up and carry you around as if you were weightless (kind of like what happens during a football game when a player scores a winning touchdown with only 2 seconds left on the clock and his teammates lift him up onto their shoulders and carry him around the field afterward). It can also slowly escape, like air from a leaky balloon, until all that’s left is a misshapen form lying upon the ground (or nothing at all). Yesterday I was on top of the world! Hope and I were walking hand-in-hand, nothing was going to stop us. Today? I don’t know if it snuck out the front door when I had my back turned or if it climbed out one of the windows, but it has managed to escape somehow. And it didn’t even stick around very long. It was here so briefly, which seems so unfair. Like a big tease! I was feeling so good. And what is really peculiar is that somehow when Hope escaped, Doubt snuck in! Damn Doubt! I told it not to come around here anymore. I’m tired of it showing up all of the time. And unlike Hope, Doubt can stay for days, weeks even. It stays until I finally muster up the strength to force it out.

January 4, 2021 – When Opportunity Knocks

It’s amazing how a little sunshine and a little hope can turn things around. It was a beautiful day today, not terribly warm, but warm enough to melt the snow in the backyard so I could finally locate and pick up the dog poop. And it was a perfect day for a walk, something that not only helps lift my spirits but my dog’s as well. It was definitely much needed. I had to find a way to ‘clear the cobwebs from my brain’ after staying up until nearly 5 o’clock this morning. Insomnia is becoming a regular thing but it was much worse than usual. I’ve been riding a ‘high’ ever since I pulled up a job on ‘Indeed’ and applied. Whether I’m even going to be considered is hard to say, but this job ‘ticked all of my boxes’. It was as if someone literally put a job description together that was exclusively designed for me. Everything it asked for, I have had experience in. And everything I’ve been sending out ‘into the Universe’, as far as my needs and wants, it matched up with.

January 3, 2021 – Money ‘Matters’

I dreamt last night that I was shopping in a boutique clothing store. The female shopkeepers were fawning all over me, pulling all kinds of different items off the rack and shelves that they thought I might be interested in. “Here, try these on!” one of the ladies insisted. She had a high-end pair of designer jeans draped over her right forearm, while trying to direct me into the nearest dressing room with her left hand. It left me feeling a bit puzzled. In real life, this never happens. If I want help, unless I’m at an Ace Hardware where their store associates are trained to hound you until you succumb to their help (you almost have to beat them off with a stick), I usually have to hunt people down if I have a question. Even then, that first person usually doesn’t have the answer, so they direct me elsewhere. What I want to know is what was the point of that dream anyway? To learn how ‘the other half’ lives? Have I been to a boutique store before? Of course I have! But my experience never includes anything remotely close to ‘fawning’.