I woke up this morning with every intention of packing my suitcase and heading over the pass to spend some time with my brother and mom and possibly my daughter. I was up half the night, fretting over all a ‘quick visit’ entails (because it’s a lot). I’m no longer a twenty year old that can walk out the door with a change of clothes, a hairbrush, a toothbrush, and a compact of birth control pills. Things are much more complicated nowadays. First off, in lieu of a little roundish compact that holds my birth control pills, I have to bring along a ‘pill organizer’. My meds are a cocktail of drugs that are designed to keep me alive. If I miss one day, it can start a domino effect that results in me knocking at death’s door. I’m trying to avoid that at the moment so I am vigilant about bringing my meds everywhere I go and taking them as prescribed. And a change of clothes? Well, that’s not such a simple matter either. Are you someone that exercises? If you are, you know that means more than a pair of jeans, a top, socks, a bra, and underwear. If you exercise, you have to bring your workout gear, too.
Continue reading “January 22, 2021 – Change of Plans”January 21, 2021 – Microfiber Cloths to Maid Service
Today hasn’t been terribly productive. I didn’t do much aside from run to Wal-Mart for a grocery pickup and grab a pizza at Papa Murphy’s for dinner. Once I got home, I started cleaning all the glass and windows throughout the house. I did a bunch of research over the internet a few days ago on the best products to use to get sparkling clean, no-streak windows and mirrors and the items I ordered arrived yesterday. And I must say, I’m impressed. When I was little, I was taught to use an ammonia/water solution along with old newspaper to clean glass and/or windows and I’ve continued to use these products throughout my adult life. However, I’m not sure what happened along the way because in recent years, I’ve noticed that ‘sparkling clean’ is no longer the end result. It doesn’t matter how much elbow grease I use or how many times I spray and wipe down the surface, it always looks bad.
Continue reading “January 21, 2021 – Microfiber Cloths to Maid Service”January 20, 2021 – The Gift of Introspection
Are you a fellow blogger or writer? If you are, I just have to ask a question. Do you constantly think about what you previously wrote and how you could have written it differently? I do. It’s maddening. After I wrote ‘Trust Issues’, I thought a great deal more about the content and my perspective on things. Clearly, there were ‘trust issues’ but more than anything, I became aware that I don’t accept change very well. When I get somewhere, I dig in. Once I become comfortable with my surroundings, I like them to stay ‘as they are’. It’s just like with my house, once I put my furniture in place and hang a few pictures, they never move. Never. I don’t like things constantly in transition, especially when it’s somewhere that I spend a lot of my time. Transition or change makes me uneasy. I start to think to myself, “What next?” I suspect that’s probably why with the current state of the world, a lot of people are feeling uneasy. Nobody knows what’s next. What we knew to be ‘reality’ two years ago might look very different two years from now.
Continue reading “January 20, 2021 – The Gift of Introspection”January 19, 2021 – Trust Issues
Bingo! I was up half the night thinking about my last post (Emotional Triggers) and then all of a sudden, it dawned on me the ‘real reason’ why returning to my former job (when it reopens at some point in the future) is no longer viable. Trust and/or trust issues. My daughter and I touched on the topic briefly the other day and I started to think about how important it is to me, or rather, how important it is that others trust me. Trust is tremendous. Without it, where does it leave us? Paranoid, unsettled and anxious. If you hire me to do a job, I NEED you to trust me. It’s critical. If I don’t feel as if you do, I’m not sticking around, plain and simple. And, yes, after processing things that ‘triggered’ me yesterday, I realized that I should have included that as well, because it’s a biggie. And it probably is mixed up or associated with ‘being accused of things I didn’t do’ because that has a great deal to do with trust. And when it really stings? When I’m accused of ‘stealing’.
Continue reading “January 19, 2021 – Trust Issues”January 18, 2021 – Emotional Triggers
Has someone ever said something to you or treated you a certain way that stops you in your tracks? You could be having the best day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, all is good in the world. And out of nowhere, when you’re least expecting it, someone dumps a bucket of ice water over your head. That’s an emotional trigger, my friend. We all have them. A trigger can be a word or a phrase, an insinuation, a look, any number of things. For me, they usually revolve around someone insinuating that I’m ‘dumb’ or treating me like I’m ‘less than’ or accusing me of something that I didn’t do (which has happened a lot, by the way). Most of my triggers have resulted from experiences I had as a child. They’re like shadows that follow me around that can materialize at any given time. When I experience a trigger, my response is pretty immediate. I withdraw into myself and then I either become depressed or angry. And who do I usually take it out on? Me!
Continue reading “January 18, 2021 – Emotional Triggers”January 17, 2021 – The gift that keeps on giving.
I woke up this morning anxiety-free. It was delightful! Do you know how rare that is?! And once I got out of bed (calm and at peace) and got cleaned up and dressed, I padded down the stairs and made my way to the kitchen, whereby I commenced preparing breakfast. It was the usual, scrambled eggs and bacon, oatmeal and a banana, but it seemed to taste even better than it ordinarily does. Maybe it was because I was able to concentrate on the tastes and textures and how good they felt on my tongue before they made the short journey to my stomach, rather than being distracted by the knots. After breakfast, I didn’t feel terribly motivated but I thought it’d be a good idea to call my mom since I hadn’t talked to her in several days. As much as I didn’t want to speak to her because I already knew what I was walking into and how it would affect me, I did it anyway.
Continue reading “January 17, 2021 – The gift that keeps on giving.”January 16, 2021 – A party to end all parties!
There is nothing quite like a surprise party to really make an individual feel really special on his or her birthday. My husband threw one for me nearly 4 years ago, when I turned 50, and it was a showstopper. If you ever watch ‘The Great British Baking Show’, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. A showstopper is the crème de la crème, the gold standard, the ‘best of the best’. In order to achieve it, one must ‘pull out all the stops’. As the days approached and I became more and more dispirited, which is typical of what happens when one of my birthday approaches, he was busily making arrangements (completely without detection) to ensure every last detail was attended to. He had so many people in on it and yet, I was clueless. Birthdays for me are just like Christmas, I always dread them. Why? Because despite how much I lower my expectations, I usually end up disappointed. In my opinion, the sooner they’re over, the better.
Continue reading “January 16, 2021 – A party to end all parties!”January 15, 2021 – Awkward Family Photos
The anniversary of my oldest sister’s death was a couple of days ago, on the 13th of January. She died in a car accident at the age of 31. The whole thing just about finished off my mom. Her mother, my grandmother (and unhappy roommate) had died the year prior, and my mom was still getting over her death when she suddenly lost her first-born child. My brother Clover is the one that broke the news to me. I thought he was kidding when he said my sister had died. It just isn’t something that comes up on a regular basis, unless of course, you work in the funeral industry. I remember it feeling so surreal. I loved her but I didn’t know her very well because she was 15 years older than me and had left home and moved to another state when I was very young. Because of that, I don’t have many memories of her, but of the ones I do, they’re mostly good. There are only two that come to mind that I wish could have been different, the one when she and another one of my sisters got in a knock-down, drag-out physical fight with some other women at a restaurant along with the very last time I saw her, when I drove her away.
Continue reading “January 15, 2021 – Awkward Family Photos”January 14, 2021 – Emotional Roller Coaster
I am writing to you today with very little ‘gas in my tank’. In other words, this girl’s running on fumes. It was yet another sleepless night in my household. Between the storm raging outside and the storm raging inside, I could not manage to turn off my mind and actually rest. It’s like a nightmarish roller coaster ride. One minute I was happy, the next I was sad. Part of it had to do with all of the ‘stuff’ I’ve been attempting to process. By ‘stuff’, I mean my questionable mental and emotional health and whether it’s possible to heal. After much delay, I finally managed to crack open one of the books recommended by my therapist, ‘Changes That Heal’ by Dr. Henry Cloud. It’s been a real page turner! I’m not a religious person and I was resistant to reading the book because it’s full of biblical passages and references; however, despite my reluctance, I gave it a go. My opinion so far? The logic expressed makes total sense! How it aligns with my own upbringing and the fallout that ensued as a result is so spot on!
Continue reading “January 14, 2021 – Emotional Roller Coaster”January 13, 2021 – Goldilocks
Looks like today is going to be ‘all about Mom’. I spoke to her briefly this afternoon. She wasn’t happy but that’s nothing new. When I asked her what she’d been up to, she said, “Nothing much.” It’s hard to know what to say to her because she’s determined to be unhappy. She never wanted to end up in one of ‘those places’. That’s something I’m reminded of on a regular basis. When I talked to her yesterday and asked her what she was up to, she said, “I’m just sitting here looking at all of my mother’s furniture.” Sigh. The only thing in my mother’s apartment that was my grandmother’s is a corner cabinet, the rest of it is all hers. But you cannot tell her that. Well, you can actually. I’ve told her at least 3-4 times that, with the exception of her mother’s cabinet, the rest all belonged to her. “Oh, really?” is the typical response. She’ll then get quiet and won’t bring it up again (that day). But the next time I call and ask her how she’s doing, I get the same response verbatim. When did I get trapped in an episode of ‘Groundhog Day’?
Continue reading “January 13, 2021 – Goldilocks”
